Only Victory Can Satisfy This Hunger

Hey Queens!

Sorry it's been a little quiet this week here on the site & Facebook, but quiet it most definitely has NOT been in the life of this Queen!

First off, I gotta announce my first meeting with the girls at juvenile hall was last week and I'm in awe of how God took over and how I got to see these girls impacted by the things I shared! Really, I shared the Lord's heart for them, His love and PURPOSE He has for each and every one of them! It is such a humbling honor that He allows ME, to be a minister of His love... truly He gets ALL the glory, because without Him, I'm a hot mess!!!!! I can't wait to see the doors He opens!

Which leads me to the events of this week. Crazy thing-last weekend, right before the holiday, I had this crazy dream. This dream was the first of a succession of dreams I had, all pertaining to a disaster or attack in which I was responsible for protecting my family. I'm talking dreams about tornados, floods, tsunamis, aerial attacks, and one of them was so disturbing I woke up sick to my stomach and shaking. The last one was the aerial attack, and in my dream, my youngest daughter looked up just as the bombs were going to drop (though I already had us in our safe place) and she said "it's time to fight". God always uses my youngest to speak to me in the most random ways, giving her such wise and specific words. She definitely operates in that gift of discernment!

Anyways, my family is definitely under attack right now. There are many things going on but I refuse to give the enemy any power in it. No, my attitude through this hasn't been 100% right, and I've shared my share of cussing (still working on deliverance in that, just keeping it real), wanting to really let my emotions cloud my judgment...and I know it has at times... But I will tell you this, I'm speaking blessing over the natural source of this mess because I'm turning my attack towards the supernatural source!

Mama's battle gear is ON... There is too much at stake to get caught in the natural mess of things.

Tonight at church, I got my confirmation of what I have known and been saying all along, in my obedience I am taking enemy ground. I am walking in my purpose and taking each step towards my destiny! 

In my job, I am only as good as I am because of Him and my daily submission to Him and allowing Him to use me. I go into families' homes and bring them hope, teach them the things God has taught me with my own struggles with my daughter. My daughter once asked me if I tell my clients about her challenges and our experiences through it as a family. I smiled and told her that I tell them our story to bring them hope through the testimony of what God has done for us, that while we went through the storm, we came out closer and stronger than before. Though we can make each other crazy,  I love the fact that she tells me in our heart to hearts that I am the only one who truly understands her. She knows no one has her back and loves her as unconditionally as I do...and I get to bring that hope to families.... That's an honor! So of course the enemy is mad! Too bad for him.

He is the accuser of the brethren and will use available people and even my own thoughts against me to try and discourage me, stress me out and make me quit. But it ain't happening! My response to the bull we've been dealing with? That's gonna cost YOU devil!

All are called. YOU are called! There is a plan and purpose for YOU to fulfill... It's all for God's kingdom and glory! When you submit, as Jesus did... Not my will but yours be done...then you set yourself up for the blessing and power of God to flow through your life!

See, if you are going through things, get on your face and SURRENDER to the Lord, it's only when we get our "self" out of the way, that He can intervene. Jesus already won it for you! I'm not gonna lie, anyone who knows me will tell you I keep things REAL, maybe too real sometimes, but just this week I was telling my friend, I don't know if I have the strength to come through these challenges God's way! Truth is, on my own, I DON'T! But I got into my prayer closet, surrendered to my King.... Put the worship on, put on my battle armor and it was ON! I may very likely sustain some scrapes and bruises through this process, but I do it knowing the victory is mine!

I've got a hunger for victory... When David fought Goliath, he KNEW he already won before he threw the first stone. He had a hunger for that giant's head in his hands! I want the enemy beat down, I want his neck SNAPPED in my hands... I know it's graphic but I told you I'm keeping it REAL! But he's messing with my children, my job, my ministry....and he's messing with the wrong woman.

How? I worship, I pray, but most importantly, I DON'T stop doing what God has called me to do!  I love my kids even more, I pour into them even more, I continue mentoring, I continue juvenile hall, I continue praying for my clients, only harder now! Most importantly I keep myself face down before the Lord... Not MY will but yours be done! I trust you Jesus...my answer to Him is and continues to stay, YES! The devil will pay for all the pain he's brought into our lives...


My pastor spoke it beautifully tonight... Who He calls, He equips. Who He equips, He annoints. Who He annoints, He EMPOWERS.

This Queen knows who she is! Ask me if the call is worth it! Are these souls, these people, some you may never see again, worth it? Absolutely! Because I'm pleasing my Father in doing what He's asked of me, and in the end, I win! That means in whatever you may be facing, YOU DO TOO!

Til next time,

~C

Blessed & Highly Favored

I just absolutely love the Lord! There is this one song, I'm sure many have heard it, called When I Think About the Lord... That song has been on my heart this afternoon, because as I think about the Lord, and everything He had brought me through and done within me, I realize I AM BLESSED! No, my life is not perfect by any means, but He truly has my back through it all. Today as I was taking care of some business, He reminded me that He has me right where He wants me. I have amazing neighbors that have helped support me & my kids through the challenges we deal with. My kids have a safe place to go vent, cry and laugh when they need to... Multiple places! If they hurt and need support, or even someone else to cheer them on they've got it and they are confident in knowing they do!

The job of a single parent isn't easy and at times there are a lot of tears, guilt, feelings of being not enough... Us single moms are horrible at asking for help because we are always trying to be tough as we are Mom, Dad, and everything in between!

My girlfriend reminded me today, it's OKAY to not be so tough, Chandra. It's OKAY to just cry and let Jesus know how tired you are. She Reminded Me That When I Can Acknowledge My WeakneSs That's When He Can Show Himself Strong! I smile, because I'm so used to ministering to others, it's always a sweet surprise when God uses those same women to minister to me!

My heart goes out to single moms, especially single moms of little ones! Oh, man I remember the days of having my newborn in the carrier, my 15 month old in the other arm and trying to keep my 2 1/2 year old focused enough to keep up with me! Lol  I see moms in that boat at church and I never hesitate to smile, offer a word of encouragement and HELP! Cuz I've been there!

I recognize how blessed I am to have such great kids. We have weathered our storms but we are closer than ever. I'm so blessed... To have them tell me they love me and tell me how proud they are of their mama gives me more reason to praise the Lord and keep pressing forward in the things He has called me to do!

We've all got some haters out there but that's what haters do, hate. My sins have been forgiven a long time ago. My God loves me exactly as I am, perfectly imperfect! :) My babies (not such babies anymore lol) love me, believe in me and know beyond the shadow of any doubt that I would give my life for them in a heartbeat!

I continue to strive for certain goals for my life, and I may not be there yet... but I am far from where I came from & in THAT I rejoice! Through the years, He has turned my mourning into dancing & my sorrows into joy! He is my Jehovah Shalom, my wholeness in which I have nothing missing, nothing broken!

He is my Jehovah Jireh, my provider, and my El Shaddai, my MORE THAN ENOUGH!! He is my shield, my protector and my Knight in Shining Armor! He fights the battles for me, while I can just lay my head on His chest and rest....
He has placed us in the midst of amazing friends, family and church family and continues to show me how to be a better person every day...in the midst of the trials of every day life, I am truly blessed and highly favored! And I couldn't thank Him enough for it!

What are you thankful for today??

~C

Man, Some Days.....

HOLY MOLY! What a week this has been.... AND IT'S ONLY WEDNESDAY!

So I've been talking a lot lately about rising up, being strong, holding your head high as the Queen you are... God has really been hacking away at that Victim Mentality in my life.... That image above, is exactly where I have felt these couple of days. Kickback, that's what I am getting.. Kickback. So what is kickback?

God is taking me into some serious depths in my walk with Him. I am stepping into new realms of reaching people. Not just with my writing, but I have been given the opportunity to speak at the Juvenile Hall for the teen girls. My Life Group has begun (shout out to my girls!), and I await news on a possible new position which would be a significant financial breakthrough. In addition, at work my caseload working with families has exploded and there are some serious crisis in these families- one in particular is a Christian family that really needs God to show up and show out. Oh yeah, and the book writing has officially started too!

Have I mentioned before the enemy doesn't fight fair? My Monday began as most do... except these FEELINGS started trying to bug me! Irritation regarding my ex husband, my singleness and missing someone I still care for, all these what ifs and blah blah blahs keep swirling in my head. I gotta confess God tried waking me up early Monday morning and I chose sleep instead, so in hindsight I think He was trying to warn me! But hey, I worshiped my way through my morning, got to have some awesome talk and ministering to my friend and co-worker... all is GOOD! Tuesday morning, God tries waking me up again... Meaning I woke up earlier than I would naturally and felt I should probably pray ... Again, I chose sleep because quite frankly it was still dark outside and I don't get to sleep nearly enough!
 THEN... I receive a phone call that threatens to shake my family to the core. Could mess up my job and everything else connected to it, questioning who I am, my character, all of it!
 Every human emotion imaginable is ready to just let loose. I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm betrayed, I'm sad...I am in Mama Bear mode and I'm ready to cuss anybody and everybody out!
Today... when God tried waking me up I didn't argue! I was up and in my Word because I was needing everything He has for me... In Psalm 91 He reminded me that I am protected. He reminded me that whoever loves Him (and I do!) He is with in trouble. He will rescue me and honor me.
He promised me that NO disaster will come to my home, He is my place of safety..and that His TRUTH is my shield and protection.
Of all the emotions I felt, I realized one thing I was NOT was scared. I know the mother I am, I know the person I am and I know TRUTH prevails, but man those other emotions were coming at me fierce.

Today was my day... I got to work (about 20 miles away), looked down and realized my sandal strap snapped.... Took a deep breath and said ...OOH KAY... All good, get a quick pair after my morning meeting.  As I put my laptop in my trunk I realized my briefcase with all the info I needed for my day was AT HOME, 20 miles away... DEEP BREATH NUMBER TWO! Decided I needed a juice and sprouted wheat bagel from my favorite organic bakery for a little comfort. Toward the end of my meeting I get another call with some other news... and quite franklyI needed a good cry and so I indulged myself just that! Our physical bodies can only handle so much.. and when we need to cry, we need to cry!

So what's this kickback I've been talking about? Well today in my meeting with one of my new families in crisis, we had a powerful time in which HOPE was brought back to a family that the enemy has kept in turmoil for months! To be able to point a family back to the Rock of their faith essentially tells the enemy his grip is loosed! I got my clearance today to start speaking at juvenile hall...the enemy knows THAT territory is good as lost...I have got some financial breakthroughs coming and my writing isn't gonna stop, it's only ramping up! Not to mention the beautiful women and friends God has brought into my life that I get to teach/mentor and pointing closer to God and closer to discovering who THEY are in Christ!!! I AM SHAKING THINGS UP! How's that for kicking him in the face!?

As you walk into your purpose and doing God's work, expect that resistance. That's what this is all about. Some may say they don't want to walk in their purpose if resistance is what's going to come but reality is, the enemy hates you regardless! There will be something coming against you either way! They choice is yours whether you want to be at the mercy of the storm or be as Jesus was in the boat resting in the peace of knowing you are getting to the other side because are God's daughter?! Do you want to be tossed around like a feather in the wind? Or know you are staying firmly planted like an oak tree? Because I KNOW I am firmly planted! When I got news of my clearance for the hall, I knew I was forging ahead. I smiled a victorious DETERMINED smile that said, you can't stop me devil! God wins... I win! YOU disgusting, vile, worthless, demonic foe are powerless over God's plans and purposes in my life, my family and in the lives that God brings across my path!  I will worship stronger, praise louder and go full force ahead bolder and with even more tenacity! You WILL NOT take me back to the cowering person I once was, in the name of Jesus!

I could give up, I could cry Uncle, I could tell God that this is too hard and I don't want to continue with what He wants me to do, He'd let me... I have that free will. But that is not who I am. I will not deny my identity or purpose. I have a destiny and a legacy to leave for my kids to remember one day. I want them to remember my perseverance and faith. I want them to know and hear God DOUBLE what I do! There are no victims in this house, only VICTORS!


Til next time....

~C

Get out of your own way...

Get out of your own way already! 

Ouch! Did you feel the sting of that one? I know I have. I saw this image and thought to myself "Wow... I've heard that a few times in my life!" Think God is trying to tell me something? What's crazy is that each time I hear it, my response usually is " I thought I did"!! You learn that as you grow as a person, emotionally and spiritually, our issues are really more comparable to a game of Whack-a-Mole! 

We as women are attacked hard and as you will always hear me say, the enemy doesn't fight fair. I've been asked before, "Why is it that is always has to be a battle? Why is it always so hard?" Well the answer is found way back in the beginning of time, in a garden....Genesis 3:15 spells it out for us. After Eve was tricked into eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil, it was game on.... I used to read that and think, man, it sounds like God is giving the enemy the go ahead to battle us women... "I will put enmity between you and the woman..." Kinda sounds like He is setting that battle in place turning the enemy loose on us! Victim Mentality at it's finest! The other day as I read that scripture, God showed me... the enemy was already our enemy! God didn't need to put that in place, it was already there, he hated us from the moment of creation.... He was telling Satan WATCH OUT. SHE is YOUR enemy! FROM her will come LIFE... VICTORY as her seed shall CRUSH YOUR HEAD. 

Ladies, that is POWERFUL stuff! That is some serious POWER bestowed on us and we need to recognize it! 

For so long, I had some serious victim mentality going on, because it seemed I was always a victim. I was a victim of sexual molestation, I was a victim of bullies who destroyed my self-esteem- mooing in the hallways as I walked past them in Jr High, I was a victim of an abusive boyfriend, I was a victim of domestic violence, I was a victim of date rape, I was cheated on and lied to over and over... VICTIM, VICTIM, VICTIM..... The enemy had me at place of some serious suicidal depression at one point.... I hated myself. I was ashamed to be me... Raising three kids alone, felt unwanted, unlovable and definitely couldn't stand what I looked like. I wasn't very nice to myself. One weekend I went on a retreat and God showed the minister a picture of me... I was laying there, binding my own hands and feet up... She couldn't figure out what it was or why I was doing it... then she said it. "You don't like the way you look!" I cried and cried as all the self contempt and hurt poured out. 

When we don't love ourselves, we bind our own hands and feet! We get in our own way! You are fearfully and wonderfully made... God Himself said at the beginning of creation "Let us make man in our own image." That means the WOMAN too! You were created in His image! When we fail to recognize the greatness of who we are, we are failing to recognize the greatness of who GOD is! 

You can love God with all your heart, but miss out on His blessing if you don't get this... We are surrounded by a culture that paints a picture of what we should be... but not who we were created to be! We look at these models, these actresses- all this FAKE stuff! The music tells us women we have to be the bad girls, the naughty girls, girls telling the guys to come and get it, it's all about sex, sex, and more sex... And trust and believe me when I say I get it.. I loved all those songs and played that sexy promiscuous part very well....I was the one in my group of friends who used to talk about the men like they were my conquests... I wasn't going to be anyone's victim! Well I was definitely fooling myself... I didn't love myself enough to know I was worth so much more.   

Because of Jesus, I can say I am worlds away from that girl! I can say... I am a Queen! I hold my head high and know I am worth the wait. I am worth being loved! I am someone's "good thing"! I am pretty bad ass!  That old mindset you got has got to be thrown away! But I am not going to lie, it's a process. For example, I am a flirt. I know it. Always have been and God has been dealing with this in me for awhile. I am working on it. It surprises me how many guys, my age AND older who seem to move real quickly in trying to come at me for either a booty call or even trying to get me engaged in their suggestive conversations. It's taken me awhile to be able to not excuse it and call them on it, and tell them I am NOT that woman anymore. Each time I have done it, I get stronger.

I recognize now that I have a purpose and powerful destiny in who I am as the Daughter of the Most High. I refuse to let the enemy trip me up take me down.. I was given the OFFENSIVE power and authority to CRUSH the head of the enemy trying to take me out! That means, I ain't a victim!!  No man, no number on the scale, no NOTHING can take that from me. 

Sisters, as long as the enemy can keep you looking down, he keeps you from looking UP! I don't care what it is you have come through or had done to you, YOU have to stop binding your own hands and feet so you can walk in the greatness of who you are! You gotta know you are precious! You are beautiful and you have a purpose and a destiny WAITING for you to step into! There is no one holding you back, but you! 

So untie your hands already! Ask God to forgive you for hatin' on His creation (YOU), ask Him to forgive you for accepting a victim mentality and declare your forgiveness of those who have hurt you. Ask Him to show you what He sees. Start speaking over yourself that you are a Queen, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you speak life into others and that you are blessed to be a blessing! 

C'mon, I dare you! If God could take a hot mess like me and bring me to where I am at today, He can definitely do it for you! You already have the victory, now take hold of it and start walking in it! 

Lots of love...

Til next time,

~C

DAUGHTER

Do you have any idea how precious that word DAUGHTER is?! We hear it all the time...but do we really grasp what it means to be God's daughter? 

I go to a big church... Calvary Christian Center here in Sacramento, California. I have been there for about a year now and it is the first place I have ever heard the pastors referred to as "Mom & Dad", we've got Mama Goudeaux and Dad Goudeaux. I have referred to my previous pastors as my spiritual parents, so the concept was nothing new, I just never called them by those names. It can be easy to feel lost in the thousands of members and wonder if they REALLY know I am there, much less consider me a daughter. Last Sunday, a girlfriend came to church with me for the first time. I introduced her to my pastor after service and after chatting up with her a bit, my pastor asked her while nodding his head toward me, "You know this girl right here"? As she laughed and said yes, he placed his hand over mine while hugging me close to his side and said, "This is my daughter right here! Today meeting me, you are getting to meet her father." He proceeded to tell my girlfriend how broken I was when I first got to Calvary, and told her all God had done in the past year in my life...Then he told her how proud he is and what a blessing I am to him as his daughter.  

The man had ME crying! I mean, I knew he knows who I am... I knew he knows my face, etc... but to hear him tell my friend all he did about me, meant he really KNEW me... That evening during offering, he told me how much he can see all God has been doing in me...that I have been glowing, the difference was that noticeable. But what he was saying even more so was... You're my girl, I'm watching over you! 

How much greater does your Heavenly father love and watch over you!!! I know I was on Cloud 9 hearing all this from my spiritual dad. I feel truly loved and IDENTIFIED as belonging to him, in his care. But what it really did was give me an understanding of the IDENTITY I have as God's daughter! 

I love my earthly father, but we didn't have the greatest relationship for many years. I know my dad loves me and would do anything for me and my siblings, but he was a very hurting and hurtful man for a very long time. We went through years of many fights, hurtful words, and then not speaking to each other at all. I struggled with a lot of rejection, broken trust and emotional scars from my father. There were many Father's Days that I would just have my kids buy a grandpa card because he and I both knew I'd be lying in buying him a traditional card that went on and on about the kind of father he wasn't in so many ways. 

God has since healed that relationship completely with my dad, and I have such a love for him, and we truly have a great relationship today, and the glory completely belongs to Jesus! But the effects of that father/daughter relationship made it very difficult to receive God's love as my FATHER. It made it extremely difficult to recognize how precious I am as His daughter. I had no clue what it was like to be lifted up, treasured, respected and definitely didn't know how to not tolerate anything less! Your earthly daddy may have let you down, but your Heavenly Father has something to tell you!  

THIS is God's heart to you sweet sisters! You are the precious daughter that He tucks in at night... Zephaniah 3:17 in the Amplified version says you are the daughter He rejoices over with joy! He rests in silent satisfaction with YOU! In His love for YOU He is silent about your past sins, not even remembering them. It is YOU He even sings to sleep! 

Song of Solomon 2:4 says when YOU, His DAUGHTER, are near Him, His love waves as a protective comforting banner over your head....

In Isaiah 41:10 He is the Father whispering to you "You don't have to be afraid of ANYTHING baby girl, I'm not going anywhere." (my paraphrase) 

In Psalm 91:4 He is the Father whose big strong arms (wings) are waiting for you to run to when you are scared and need to be protected.  

One thing I can say about my dad is that despite whatever turbulence we may have been going through, if I needed him, he was right there. I will never EVER forget the day I left my ex-husband. My 7-month pregnant self had packed up my two babies and drove to my dad's house... He was standing in the driveway, and hadn't known I was coming. The moment I got out of the car, I ran to him and he instinctively pulled me into his arms as I cried my heart out. My dad isn't a small man anyway, but when I needed my Daddy, his arms were larger than life. 

THAT is what you have in the precious identity as God's daughter!!! You can do anything... because He has got you in His larger than life arms... He won't let you fall. He sees exactly where you are, and knows exactly what you need, and wants you to know that when He looks at you... He smiles and says "That's my girl"!!! 

Sleep sweet tonight sisters! 

Til next time...

~C

At the Feet of Grace

It's been a little while since I have gotten on to write...truth is I've kind of been hiding. Okay, not kind of... I've been hiding. These past couple weeks have been a whirlwind of a bazillion things going on, not only in my normal day to day life but in the spirit world as well. I was at the top of this mountain absolutely confident in who I am in Christ and ready to do the crazy things He is calling me to do. I was hearing clearly and feeling close to the Lord. Then...

Let me first start by saying, we are always in spiritual warfare. I'm pretty sure I have said this before but I will say it again. The MOMENT you start walking in obedience and full trust the enemy comes in to try and take you out at the knees. I sit here this moment with a smile on my face because I know that he is very very afraid of me. Not me in my own power because as I'm going to share, that's a joke, but me walking in the greatness of who my God is. He KNOWS he will lose souls, lives will be changed and he is defeated again like the loser he is.

There is a cost to what God wants to do in my life... It's complete surrender of anything and everything I think I know and have arrogantly thought myself in control of. It's obedience and absolute trust in the One who created the Heaven and Earth. Sounds easy enough right?

***Many times the enemy doesn't have to do much to trip us up in our relationship with God because we do that just fine on our own! But he will definitely take what you did and torture you with the fact that you did it.***

I knew what I was supposed to do and I decided to compromise. I decided to allow myself to do some things that I knew would hurt Him if I did it. Now don't worry, it wasn't crazy. Realistically if I were to tell you all exactly what it was I would very likely hear "That's it? THAT'S the only thing you did? That's not that bad Chandra, it's fine!" But us humans are really really good at justifying what we do, aren't we? God doesn't just want the action of our sacrifice, He doesn't just want us going through the motions, He wants an OBEDIENT heart after Him. And while I know the "content" of what I did wasn't that bad, it was disobedience just the same. I was that kid looking around for mom or dad before I quickly stuck my hand in the cookie jar. In this case it would be like taking the half broken cookie from the jar and thinking it was okay because it really wasn't a WHOLE cookie!

But here's the deal... disobedience is disobedience, and my spirit knew it. My heart hurt, I was ashamed. I felt I couldn't even ask God to forgive me because it's not like I "accidentally" did anything. I knew exactly what choice I was making... I didn't deserve His forgiveness.... I was just going to have to brace myself for whatever consequences come and I was definitely bracing myself. Something happened with my daughter this week and as I got through the tornado I heard this mean voice telling me "You did this! No point in crying to God about it, you brought this on yourself in doing what you did." 

I was ashamed to pray but I cried out to Him anyway, though I half expected this hammer to come crashing on my head. I was ashamed to worship, but I put my music on anyway...And oh the writing....couldn't do that yet, God!  I wasn't even quite sure I was on good terms with Him yet! 

Then my pastor, Phillip Goudeaux, posted something on Facebook... 

"Even when Adam sinned in the garden and was hiding from God, God was still calling out to him. Even when you get away from God, He will still pursue you because He has a calling for you!!" 

Ha! If that wasn't my Lord reaching out to me! He reminded me of 1 John 1:9 that if I confess my sins, then He is FAITHFUL and JUST to forgive me. I sat there and told Him "but Lord, I was feeling this, feeling that, hearing this and that... and His sweet reply was "That wasn't me..." His peace then washed it away. I had some friends come and confirm these things and definitely a lesson learned through this... I mean, really as I just now wrote the things I was hearing and feeling, I'm thinking to myself how obvious it was where it came from... Didn't feel so obvious at the time! 

But at the same time I had to be really sorry... He had to allow me to feel the hurt in my heart and spirit to really come to Him and know I've learned how much it hurts Him too. That is what true repentance is. We hear the words about His grace, His forgiveness, His love... but it's in these moments we really get the deeper grasp of what it really means... Like the adulteress who was brought before Jesus to be stoned for her sins... The law said kill her, the crowds said kill her, I am sure her SHAME said "I deserve whatever is coming to me" BUT Jesus said "I don't condemn you. You are forgiven, go and sin no more."  I have this picture in my head that He reached down to help her up, wiped some of the dirt off her face and smiled as He spoke to her "I don't condemn you. You are forgiven, go and sin no more." I am that same adulteress. When I walk out of the things I know I have been asked to do, I am that same adulteress. If I stay in that relationship that He asked me to let go of, let things go just a little further than I should, if I take that one drink, if I smoke that one cigarette, take that one hit from a "special cigarette"... I am that same adulteress...... OUCH!

I've learned my lesson. Quite a few of them actually! I am at the feet of grace... It's time. I'm getting back up, wiping the dust and dirt off my clothes and face and moving forward in to walk in what I have been called to do! 

Til next time!

~C

Fight or Surrender..A Mama's Hurting Heart

Today's writing is a little different than what I normally share, but I feel led to share it because maybe someone needs to hear it. How do you know it's time to either fight or surrender? I have three awesome kids, my son is my oldest and I have two gorgeous young ladies who are 12 & 11. Miss 12 is about to be Miss 13 in a couple of months. 

I have raised my kids on my own since I was about 7 months pregnant with my youngest. Knowing what I do now about child development and human behavior, I know my oldest daughter took the hit of the divorce the hardest in her emotional development. She's a hard headed kid to begin with (no idea where that comes from), and had always been my challenge. 

Now, let me make something clear, I am in no way out to bash their father. Truth be told, we were BOTH some messed up kids when we got married (I was 18 he was 21). We both gave our hearts to the Lord when our son was just a baby in 1999. Due to many ugly things, I left him when I was 7 months pregnant with our youngest. He made a lot of really bad choices and was out of their lives up until about 3 months ago. 

Since we had no contact all these years, it's safe to say I went through many of the natural phases us single moms do. Initially I bent over backwards to practically MAKE him see them. When I set the boundary of not having the visits involve ME, he stopped coming around. Then I went through the whole bitter, angry mom phase. He had a girlfriend who had a son about my daughter's age, and the things he did for that little guy were "oh so wonderful" per her, but my fellow single moms can imagine how hot my blood boiled knowing he didn't even CALL his own kids. 

Through the years the kids stopped asking for him, they seemed to have forgotten all about him and I was perfectly content letting him and his now wife go as far to the east as I was to the west. I was planning on having the perfect husband, the white picket fence and the whole nine yards by the time he would come back around. I sure as hell didn't need the "Sperm Donor". But know this Mamas... the babies DONT EVER forget. God's plans NEVER look like our plans.

I want to interject here, and make clear I was far from the perfect mom. I may had given my heart to the Lord but mama was going through her own "growing pains" and backsliding and healing of some dark places in her heart through those years. I battled some serious depression, suicidal thoughts, drug use, alcohol use among many other things through all those years trying to discover who I was while having 3 kids in tow. And the enemy still tries to haunt me with that fact. 

Once my girl hit 10/11 years old, the curse of all my sins came forth with a vengeance. Not to get in too much detail, but my girl felt she was going crazy (she definitely acted like it!), wanting to kill herself and doing extremely dangerous things. To say it felt the gates of hell unleashed in my house when she got upset would be an UNDERSTATEMENT! It was my youngest who told me one night that it felt as though every time her sister got mad, that the devil would come into our house making us all want to die. It was THAT painful for all of us. 

But God turns all things meant for evil to good! It took my butt back to church! It brought me to my knees in a surrender to Him like no other. Sure I knew and loved the Lord but I was letting so many doors be open in my compromises and lukewarmness. He brought me back to the powerhouse prayer warrior I am. He began the healing and restoration of the relationship with my baby girl, as well as between her and her siblings.  And while their father is still not my most favorite person, God has matured me to be able to walk through the new challenges we face with him in their lives; and trust me, it AINT easy!! THAT is the power of God in your life! 

THAT is how you fight by SURRENDER! You can fight to keep hanging on to all those emotions, habits, relationships; but if you do not SURRENDER first, you will lose because you will find yourself in His permissive will instead of His perfect will. You don't want to be where He allows you to be because you insist on being stubborn! You will find those things you are fighting to hang on to are the very thing the enemy wants to use to destroy you. 

Someone needs to hear this today. This was not at all where I was going with this blog, but the Holy Spirit likes to take over and I let Him every time... You may feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. You may feel like the enemy has come in for a field trip to "your world" with all his demonic buddies. You may not even recognize it as Satan, but the other evil called EMOTIONS. But the ONLY place you are going to find victory and peace is on your knees, face to the ground even- in complete surrender. "God, I can't do this on my own. I'm sorry for even trying to think I could do it without you. I need you in my life! I need you in everything I do and even think! I give it to you, I lay it at your feet. I surrender to you Holy Spirit and say whatever you need to do in me, do it. Thank you for loving me enough to meet me right where I am. Amen." 

He WILL meet you exactly where you are. I dare you to try it! 

Speaking love, peace and blessings over you in Jesus' name...

Til next time,

~C