Let me first start by saying, we are always in spiritual warfare. I'm pretty sure I have said this before but I will say it again. The MOMENT you start walking in obedience and full trust the enemy comes in to try and take you out at the knees. I sit here this moment with a smile on my face because I know that he is very very afraid of me. Not me in my own power because as I'm going to share, that's a joke, but me walking in the greatness of who my God is. He KNOWS he will lose souls, lives will be changed and he is defeated again like the loser he is.
There is a cost to what God wants to do in my life... It's complete surrender of anything and everything I think I know and have arrogantly thought myself in control of. It's obedience and absolute trust in the One who created the Heaven and Earth. Sounds easy enough right?
***Many times the enemy doesn't have to do much to trip us up in our relationship with God because we do that just fine on our own! But he will definitely take what you did and torture you with the fact that you did it.***
I knew what I was supposed to do and I decided to compromise. I decided to allow myself to do some things that I knew would hurt Him if I did it. Now don't worry, it wasn't crazy. Realistically if I were to tell you all exactly what it was I would very likely hear "That's it? THAT'S the only thing you did? That's not that bad Chandra, it's fine!" But us humans are really really good at justifying what we do, aren't we? God doesn't just want the action of our sacrifice, He doesn't just want us going through the motions, He wants an OBEDIENT heart after Him. And while I know the "content" of what I did wasn't that bad, it was disobedience just the same. I was that kid looking around for mom or dad before I quickly stuck my hand in the cookie jar. In this case it would be like taking the half broken cookie from the jar and thinking it was okay because it really wasn't a WHOLE cookie!
But here's the deal... disobedience is disobedience, and my spirit knew it. My heart hurt, I was ashamed. I felt I couldn't even ask God to forgive me because it's not like I "accidentally" did anything. I knew exactly what choice I was making... I didn't deserve His forgiveness.... I was just going to have to brace myself for whatever consequences come and I was definitely bracing myself. Something happened with my daughter this week and as I got through the tornado I heard this mean voice telling me "You did this! No point in crying to God about it, you brought this on yourself in doing what you did."
I was ashamed to pray but I cried out to Him anyway, though I half expected this hammer to come crashing on my head. I was ashamed to worship, but I put my music on anyway...And oh the writing....couldn't do that yet, God! I wasn't even quite sure I was on good terms with Him yet!
Then my pastor, Phillip Goudeaux, posted something on Facebook...
"Even when Adam sinned in the garden and was hiding from God, God was still calling out to him. Even when you get away from God, He will still pursue you because He has a calling for you!!"
Ha! If that wasn't my Lord reaching out to me! He reminded me of 1 John 1:9 that if I confess my sins, then He is FAITHFUL and JUST to forgive me. I sat there and told Him "but Lord, I was feeling this, feeling that, hearing this and that... and His sweet reply was "That wasn't me..." His peace then washed it away. I had some friends come and confirm these things and definitely a lesson learned through this... I mean, really as I just now wrote the things I was hearing and feeling, I'm thinking to myself how obvious it was where it came from... Didn't feel so obvious at the time!
But at the same time I had to be really sorry... He had to allow me to feel the hurt in my heart and spirit to really come to Him and know I've learned how much it hurts Him too. That is what true repentance is. We hear the words about His grace, His forgiveness, His love... but it's in these moments we really get the deeper grasp of what it really means... Like the adulteress who was brought before Jesus to be stoned for her sins... The law said kill her, the crowds said kill her, I am sure her SHAME said "I deserve whatever is coming to me" BUT Jesus said "I don't condemn you. You are forgiven, go and sin no more." I have this picture in my head that He reached down to help her up, wiped some of the dirt off her face and smiled as He spoke to her "I don't condemn you. You are forgiven, go and sin no more." I am that same adulteress. When I walk out of the things I know I have been asked to do, I am that same adulteress. If I stay in that relationship that He asked me to let go of, let things go just a little further than I should, if I take that one drink, if I smoke that one cigarette, take that one hit from a "special cigarette"... I am that same adulteress...... OUCH!
I've learned my lesson. Quite a few of them actually! I am at the feet of grace... It's time. I'm getting back up, wiping the dust and dirt off my clothes and face and moving forward in to walk in what I have been called to do!
Til next time!
~C
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