I have raised my kids on my own since I was about 7 months pregnant with my youngest. Knowing what I do now about child development and human behavior, I know my oldest daughter took the hit of the divorce the hardest in her emotional development. She's a hard headed kid to begin with (no idea where that comes from), and had always been my challenge.
Now, let me make something clear, I am in no way out to bash their father. Truth be told, we were BOTH some messed up kids when we got married (I was 18 he was 21). We both gave our hearts to the Lord when our son was just a baby in 1999. Due to many ugly things, I left him when I was 7 months pregnant with our youngest. He made a lot of really bad choices and was out of their lives up until about 3 months ago.
Since we had no contact all these years, it's safe to say I went through many of the natural phases us single moms do. Initially I bent over backwards to practically MAKE him see them. When I set the boundary of not having the visits involve ME, he stopped coming around. Then I went through the whole bitter, angry mom phase. He had a girlfriend who had a son about my daughter's age, and the things he did for that little guy were "oh so wonderful" per her, but my fellow single moms can imagine how hot my blood boiled knowing he didn't even CALL his own kids.
Through the years the kids stopped asking for him, they seemed to have forgotten all about him and I was perfectly content letting him and his now wife go as far to the east as I was to the west. I was planning on having the perfect husband, the white picket fence and the whole nine yards by the time he would come back around. I sure as hell didn't need the "Sperm Donor". But know this Mamas... the babies DONT EVER forget. God's plans NEVER look like our plans.
I want to interject here, and make clear I was far from the perfect mom. I may had given my heart to the Lord but mama was going through her own "growing pains" and backsliding and healing of some dark places in her heart through those years. I battled some serious depression, suicidal thoughts, drug use, alcohol use among many other things through all those years trying to discover who I was while having 3 kids in tow. And the enemy still tries to haunt me with that fact.
Once my girl hit 10/11 years old, the curse of all my sins came forth with a vengeance. Not to get in too much detail, but my girl felt she was going crazy (she definitely acted like it!), wanting to kill herself and doing extremely dangerous things. To say it felt the gates of hell unleashed in my house when she got upset would be an UNDERSTATEMENT! It was my youngest who told me one night that it felt as though every time her sister got mad, that the devil would come into our house making us all want to die. It was THAT painful for all of us.
But God turns all things meant for evil to good! It took my butt back to church! It brought me to my knees in a surrender to Him like no other. Sure I knew and loved the Lord but I was letting so many doors be open in my compromises and lukewarmness. He brought me back to the powerhouse prayer warrior I am. He began the healing and restoration of the relationship with my baby girl, as well as between her and her siblings. And while their father is still not my most favorite person, God has matured me to be able to walk through the new challenges we face with him in their lives; and trust me, it AINT easy!! THAT is the power of God in your life!
THAT is how you fight by SURRENDER! You can fight to keep hanging on to all those emotions, habits, relationships; but if you do not SURRENDER first, you will lose because you will find yourself in His permissive will instead of His perfect will. You don't want to be where He allows you to be because you insist on being stubborn! You will find those things you are fighting to hang on to are the very thing the enemy wants to use to destroy you.
Someone needs to hear this today. This was not at all where I was going with this blog, but the Holy Spirit likes to take over and I let Him every time... You may feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. You may feel like the enemy has come in for a field trip to "your world" with all his demonic buddies. You may not even recognize it as Satan, but the other evil called EMOTIONS. But the ONLY place you are going to find victory and peace is on your knees, face to the ground even- in complete surrender. "God, I can't do this on my own. I'm sorry for even trying to think I could do it without you. I need you in my life! I need you in everything I do and even think! I give it to you, I lay it at your feet. I surrender to you Holy Spirit and say whatever you need to do in me, do it. Thank you for loving me enough to meet me right where I am. Amen."
He WILL meet you exactly where you are. I dare you to try it!
Speaking love, peace and blessings over you in Jesus' name...
Til next time,
~C
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