So many thoughts, so many emotions...Queen In The Making is meant to be about the journey to "Queen-hood", because while God already sees me as His Queen, in the natural, I have far from "arrived".
So many women and girls I've ministered to and mentored tell me all the time, "you're so strong Chandra." or I hear "I wish I had you're strength". I smile in humble amazement when I hear it because my answer is, "I have my moments like everyone else." This season right now is a tough one and while I've been told it's a test, it feels as intense as the Bar Exam!
Today I feel the leading to be a little more raw than usual, I guess I enjoy this "bad ass" image of mine and feel I have to uphold it for the sake of my "people". But tonight I have to take off that mask, it's vulnerable and a little scary so be nice!
I don't understand this season, and I know that I'm not supposed to. But it's a painful one. My daughter is struggling in ways I can't help her. I am powerless in stopping her hurt. No matter what I do, what I sacrifice I can't save her from her choices and I can't fill the void only God can fill. It's a horrible feeling considering my living the last 5 years
has been helping struggling children. I love what I do! But everyone in the field reminds me I can't "therapize" my own kid! She knows I'm here for her before any job, I'm caught between being the advocate for her mental health needs and holding her stubborn self accountable for the other things she most definitely can control.
Oh yeah, and I have two other kids who need Mom for their world too! Trying to keep THEIR worlds as normal as possible, holding them accountable when they see it working all backwards for their sister, and making sure THEY know beyond a shadow of a doubt that their needs are just as important.
I'm a tired Mom. I was telling God today, Moses had a burning bush, the Israelites had a pillar of fire by day and a glory cloud by night. Elijah had a wind, fire and an earthquake & even the apostles had a talking donkey! I'm not asking much God, why do I feel so distant, unable to hear and feeling like I'm failing no matter what I do?
Not to mention the loneliness that creeps in, the fact that my heart misses a certain someone that God has not seen as time for yet...feels ten times as heavy on days like today. My flesh wants to go back to my old coping skills but I know in my heart of hearts, I've come too far to go back there.
But here's the amazing revelation through this, He is all I need. He reminded me as I was whining to Him about Elijah that even though the wind, fire and earthquake came, it was in His still small voice that He spoke.
When I cried out to Him asking why I couldn't hear Him for the answer I needed, my sweet neighbor who had intercepted my crying daughter, told me exactly what I needed to hear to build my faith and show me I already had the answer.
And it was that someone special who text me to remind me that God has got me, that I know that, and that's all I need to know!
He was so right! The answer was that simple. It's not to say that that there won't be tears shed. It's not to say it's easy, but I do know this, though the enemy has tried bringing hurt and confusion and chaos, trying to tear my daughter and I apart, we are only closer. I can communicate with her and she trusts me in such a sacred way the enemy CAN'T break. I love her unconditionally, and through that she gets a glimpse of the love her heavenly Father has for her and she WILL serve Him in a mighty way one day. My kids all know I will sacrifice anything I have to, for them.
They get to watch their Heavenly Father provide for us like never before, and right now in this season, they watch in me what it really means to have faith in God. I have no other option in my book, but to lean on Him and depend absolutely completely in Him. And He won't let me down.
I know He is setting me up. He is setting my family up for an amazing testimony that will yell from the rooftops "Only God could've done that!"
The enemy may think he's laughing now, but I get the last laugh. He's got me, I know He does, and that's all I need to know!
Til next time,
~C
